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[ The hurt is actually worse, and Alex visibly winces, and then guiltily slides his hands out of his pockets. ]
That ain't-- [ He starts, but he cuts off a little miserably. Yeah. It kind of was what he was doing. ]
... Sorry, Gunny. I'm just tryin' to - hell, I don't know. Tryin' not to make it worse.
[ Which meant he was definitely making it worse. ]
That ain't-- [ He starts, but he cuts off a little miserably. Yeah. It kind of was what he was doing. ]
... Sorry, Gunny. I'm just tryin' to - hell, I don't know. Tryin' not to make it worse.
[ Which meant he was definitely making it worse. ]
[ Ouch. He almost winced, at that, but he came to a halt, pulling in breath and then letting it out again, his expression a little miserable.
He was trying so hard not to ruin things, and yet here he was. Definitely ruining things. ]
Yeah.
[ His voice was quiet. 'We need to talk' had never, in his experience, ever led to anything good. So he was already folding in on himself and prepping for disaster. ]
He was trying so hard not to ruin things, and yet here he was. Definitely ruining things. ]
Yeah.
[ His voice was quiet. 'We need to talk' had never, in his experience, ever led to anything good. So he was already folding in on himself and prepping for disaster. ]
[ It's an olive branch, and there's a quick flash of complete and utter gratitude on his face before he manages to school his expression back to something neutral.
He reached out and carefully took her hand, giving it a small squeeze. ]
Probably a better idea than the mess hall, [ He agreed weakly. ]
He reached out and carefully took her hand, giving it a small squeeze. ]
Probably a better idea than the mess hall, [ He agreed weakly. ]
[She squeezes back a little more tightly, completely and utterly relieved, and heads back to the room. They haven't gotten far, so it doesn't take long, and as soon as they're inside she hits the panel to lock the door. This is going to be hard enough without someone wandering in.]
You said you can think straight now.
You said you can think straight now.
[ He still had her hand in his, but he could feel the anxiety building again.
It was nothing like before, though. Nothing like the all-consuming feeling that he could barely think through. That he kept acting on even when he knew better.
No, instead, he just feels it laced gently into a low-level ambient misery. ]
... Yeah.
[ He leaves it there for a few seconds, as the most helpful reply in the world. Then he sort of lets out a breath. ]
What about you?
It was nothing like before, though. Nothing like the all-consuming feeling that he could barely think through. That he kept acting on even when he knew better.
No, instead, he just feels it laced gently into a low-level ambient misery. ]
... Yeah.
[ He leaves it there for a few seconds, as the most helpful reply in the world. Then he sort of lets out a breath. ]
What about you?
[ He gave her hand a quick, final squeeze, and let it go. Not awkardly, but because it would have been more awkward to keep holding it. ]
... Think you've got more questions than I do. So you can start.
[ He only really had one question, and he wasn't even sure he wanted to ask it. ]
... Think you've got more questions than I do. So you can start.
[ He only really had one question, and he wasn't even sure he wanted to ask it. ]
[ He knew it was coming. It didn't stop the pang of guilt. ]
... It wasn't about her. [ He realised how that sounded, and grimaced. ]
I mean I - I ain't - I ain't lookin' for her.
... It wasn't about her. [ He realised how that sounded, and grimaced. ]
I mean I - I ain't - I ain't lookin' for her.
[ It does look defensive, and inwardly, Alex folds away further.
Feeling like an asshole.
His eyes drop to his feet. ]
I ain't good at this, Gunny. I never have been. [ He let out a breath. Come the hell on, Kamal. ]
But it ain't - Honestly I didn't even think about her. Once. Not until you mentioned her. And I know that makes me sound like a goddamn asshole.
Feeling like an asshole.
His eyes drop to his feet. ]
I ain't good at this, Gunny. I never have been. [ He let out a breath. Come the hell on, Kamal. ]
But it ain't - Honestly I didn't even think about her. Once. Not until you mentioned her. And I know that makes me sound like a goddamn asshole.
[Bobbie lets out a breath. She doesn't care if he's good at it, just that he tries.]
I'm trying to figure out how you feel about her.
[Because to be honest, barely talking to your wife for five years and then letting her think you were dead probably wouldn't count as a "marriage" to most people, but she's had enough conversations with him where he seemed heartbroken that she doesn't know what to think.]
I'm trying to figure out how you feel about her.
[Because to be honest, barely talking to your wife for five years and then letting her think you were dead probably wouldn't count as a "marriage" to most people, but she's had enough conversations with him where he seemed heartbroken that she doesn't know what to think.]
[ He sighed, giving a bit of a helpless look. ]
If you figure it out, maybe tell me?
[ It was a weak joke. ]
I dunno, Gunny. When I think that she and Melas might be dead, and I left things the way I did... [ His expression twisted painfully, and the words just died on his tongue. ]
If you figure it out, maybe tell me?
[ It was a weak joke. ]
I dunno, Gunny. When I think that she and Melas might be dead, and I left things the way I did... [ His expression twisted painfully, and the words just died on his tongue. ]
[ He looked miserable, and guilty, but he let her take his hands, his eyes falling down to them rather than meeting hers.
He was quiet a little too long, and then when he spoke it was very low. ]
... I know I should be.
He was quiet a little too long, and then when he spoke it was very low. ]
... I know I should be.
[ He just watched their hands miserably. ]
I don't know. [ The honest answer. He didn't know. For multiple reasons. Many of which he also didn't know - not self aware enough to see down to them. But he was trying. ]
... I felt relieved, when you told me that I wasn't wearin' my ring. Pretty sure I ain't supposed to feel that.
I don't know. [ The honest answer. He didn't know. For multiple reasons. Many of which he also didn't know - not self aware enough to see down to them. But he was trying. ]
... I felt relieved, when you told me that I wasn't wearin' my ring. Pretty sure I ain't supposed to feel that.
I'm sure I was, at some point. [ He did pull his hands back, then, too self conscious to talk about one thing and feel another. He didn't deserve to be comforted, about this. ]
Happy, I mean. There were times. But marriage ain't really about that, anyway. And I never - I was never good at the stuff it was supposed to be about.
Happy, I mean. There were times. But marriage ain't really about that, anyway. And I never - I was never good at the stuff it was supposed to be about.
[ He gave a sort of helpless shrug. ]
I mean - if it works, it should make me happy, right? But it ain't really the point.
I mean - if it works, it should make me happy, right? But it ain't really the point.
[She doesn't even know how to respond to that. Bobbie isn't the type to really be interested in marriage, so she has no fantasies about it being sunshine and rainbows all the time, but... Jesus. Suddenly a lot of things are clicking into place.]
I'm pretty sure that's a big part of the point. What do you think the point is?
I'm pretty sure that's a big part of the point. What do you think the point is?
[ He slides his arms across his chest, looking off to the side uncomfortably. He wanted to crawl out of his own god damn skin and then sink into the floor. ]
She wanted a big family. You know. Everyone does, right? Duty to Mars. And if I'd just - hell, I don't know. Been better. Been a better husband or father - then I'd have been happy, right?
But all I wanted to do was fly.
[ He swallowed, feeling about an inch tall, and the next thing he said was so quiet as to be nearly inaudible:]
So there was no point.
[ They weren't his words. ]
She wanted a big family. You know. Everyone does, right? Duty to Mars. And if I'd just - hell, I don't know. Been better. Been a better husband or father - then I'd have been happy, right?
But all I wanted to do was fly.
[ He swallowed, feeling about an inch tall, and the next thing he said was so quiet as to be nearly inaudible:]
So there was no point.
[ They weren't his words. ]
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