I don't know. [ The honest answer. He didn't know. For multiple reasons. Many of which he also didn't know - not self aware enough to see down to them. But he was trying. ]
... I felt relieved, when you told me that I wasn't wearin' my ring. Pretty sure I ain't supposed to feel that.
I'm sure I was, at some point. [ He did pull his hands back, then, too self conscious to talk about one thing and feel another. He didn't deserve to be comforted, about this. ]
Happy, I mean. There were times. But marriage ain't really about that, anyway. And I never - I was never good at the stuff it was supposed to be about.
[Bobbie fights the urge to take his hands again, and just forces hers to drop to her sides. His explanation makes her frown, and she doesn't think she's following.]
[She doesn't even know how to respond to that. Bobbie isn't the type to really be interested in marriage, so she has no fantasies about it being sunshine and rainbows all the time, but... Jesus. Suddenly a lot of things are clicking into place.]
I'm pretty sure that's a big part of the point. What do you think the point is?
[ He slides his arms across his chest, looking off to the side uncomfortably. He wanted to crawl out of his own god damn skin and then sink into the floor. ]
She wanted a big family. You know. Everyone does, right? Duty to Mars. And if I'd just - hell, I don't know. Been better. Been a better husband or father - then I'd have been happy, right?
But all I wanted to do was fly.
[ He swallowed, feeling about an inch tall, and the next thing he said was so quiet as to be nearly inaudible:]
[Bobbie opens her mouth to say... something. Anything. Nothing comes out, and she falters, fighting the overwhelming urge to hug him. She's not sure it would help, though, and she's worried it might make things worse somehow, so she stays where she is. She'd thought a lot of this guilt over not being a good enough husband, even before leaving, was just him getting in his own head, but now she wonders how much Talissa contributed to that, and she's torn between feeling terrible for him and furious at whatever idiot put this shit in his head. She struggles for a moment, but she still sounds upset when she answers.]
What? The only way to be a good husband is finding a boring desk job and having as many kids as possible?
[No wonder he's practically drowning in guilt and shame. What a narrow category to pigeon hole yourself into. It sounds miserable, and she knows he'd be miserable doing it. But maybe that's easy for Bobbie to take issue with—she's never wanted kids, and she's always figured her brothers would take care of that family duty while she did her duty to Mars through her career in the military. That decision had never torn her up.]
Or, well, I was. Can't say the station is doin' much for that, but - I figured it out, for a little while. With the Roci. With Holden and Naomi and Amos. I know now that's - that's where I'm supposed to be.
[ There was an awkward pause, the words catching in his throat. ]
They make sense. [ His eyes flickered towards hers, almost apologetic. ]
[It makes her breath catch and her heart flutter, the quiet earnestness of it, and she swallows, struggling to get her emotions under control. She's not sure it works, but he's being honest, so she owes it to him to be honest herself.]
You make all of this a hell of a lot easier. Even that shit on Ganymede. All of it's easier to deal with when you're around.
[Bobbie's quiet for a moment, not quite looking at him. This entire conversation has been miserably uncomfortable, but now it's about to get even worse for her, but she knows she has to power through it or things are never going to get fixed.]
Look, Alex, I said I never thought about kissing you before, yeah? You were torn up about Talissa, and every time you talked about her, it sounded like you wanted it to work. I just thought you were off-limits. Now...
[God, she kind of wants to sink into the floor. She doesn't even know what to say. She scrubs her hands over her face.]
[ There's a strange property, with hope. You can think you didn't have any at all, until you feel it get snuffed out. Then you realize that you had some, this whole time. That you'd been holding onto it so tight, so desperately, that you didn't even know it was hope. It was just a clenched tangle somewhere in your chest.
But that tangle suddenly grew a lot heavier, dragging his heart right through him and down into the floor.
He wouldn't have kept any hope at all, if he could have helped it. He wishes he hadn't kept any.
Then he wouldn't have to feel it's loss.
He gets a little still- too aware of his limbs, again - and his face falls a little but not anywhere near as much as his heart does. Instead, his expression is mostly sympathetic. Because he loves Gunny. He might not know what exactly being in love feels like, and he might not quite understand what tangled mess of feelings he has for her, but aside from that, he knows he loves her. Like he loves Holden and Naomi and Amos. Quite separately from everything else, he knows that. So even as that wisp of hope he hadn't even known was there withered and died, he was overcome with the need to protect her. To save his family.
Even if he had to save it from himself. ]
It's alright. [ It's quiet, and comforting. It's not a lie. His heart break just doesn't matter, on the large scale of things. ] Hell, Gunny, we were so out of it we were basically intoxicated. Worse than. Everything felt a hundred million times bigger than it was. 'Course you're confused.
An' that's fine. I ain't looking for anything, Bobbie. [ His eyes were on hers, a silent plea in them. Please let him fix this. ] At least not anythin' different than what we already had.
You don't need to know what you're thinkin'. You don't need to think about it at all.
[It's instantly obvious that whatever he was trying to achieve, it was the wrong thing to say. She looks hurt, and even though she tries, she can't manage to school her expression into something more neutral. It says something that she tries at all—she never does with Alex. Now she can feel herself closing off, and she crosses her arms without thinking.
Maybe he thinks it was just one big screw up, and maybe his feelings were a mess from lack of sleep, but she doesn't think hers were. She felt something when she kissed him, and she went into this conversation not knowing what she wanted to hear, but it certainly wasn't that.]
So you think it was just... a fuck up. I shouldn't have done it in the first place, and we should pretend it didn't happen?
[ It was a little strange, knowing just how badly he fucked up, the instant that it happened. He was used to the slow, silent anger. The one where he needed to fret about it for weeks, try to unpack what it was that he'd said, or done, that had caused the rift in the first place. If he could unpack it at all.
This was like light speed, compared. His hands immediately raised in a halting gesturing, hovering in front of him. ]
No, that ain't what I said. [ Gently. ] Or what I - or what I mean.
I just -- [ Hell, what did he mean? The hands lowered, and he looked miserable. ]
I just want us to be okay. That's all. I never wanted to give you a reason to look at me like that.
I'm just sayin' - you don't need to know, right now, how you're feelin' about it.
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...But you're not?
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I don't know. [ The honest answer. He didn't know. For multiple reasons. Many of which he also didn't know - not self aware enough to see down to them. But he was trying. ]
... I felt relieved, when you told me that I wasn't wearin' my ring. Pretty sure I ain't supposed to feel that.
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I don't care about what you're supposed to feel, Alex. I'm not going to think less of you. It sounds like you weren't happy.
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Happy, I mean. There were times. But marriage ain't really about that, anyway. And I never - I was never good at the stuff it was supposed to be about.
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Marriage isn't about what? Being happy?
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I mean - if it works, it should make me happy, right? But it ain't really the point.
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I'm pretty sure that's a big part of the point. What do you think the point is?
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She wanted a big family. You know. Everyone does, right? Duty to Mars. And if I'd just - hell, I don't know. Been better. Been a better husband or father - then I'd have been happy, right?
But all I wanted to do was fly.
[ He swallowed, feeling about an inch tall, and the next thing he said was so quiet as to be nearly inaudible:]
So there was no point.
[ They weren't his words. ]
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Is she the one who said that?
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He was not going to be able to pin this on Talissa.
He couldn't.
Whatever fault was hers, his was five times as heavy. ]
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[No wonder he's practically drowning in guilt and shame. What a narrow category to pigeon hole yourself into. It sounds miserable, and she knows he'd be miserable doing it. But maybe that's easy for Bobbie to take issue with—she's never wanted kids, and she's always figured her brothers would take care of that family duty while she did her duty to Mars through her career in the military. That decision had never torn her up.]
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What good is a husband who ain't even there?
[ He'd internalised this all years ago. ]
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Screw everyone else. Pretend they don't exist for a minute. What do you want?
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I don't know, Gunny. [ Not quite defensive, but getting there. Then, after a few more seconds of thought, and very lowly: ]
I just want to fly.
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Sorry. I'm not helping.
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I just - I don't know, Gunny. I know that ain't a satisfyin' answer.
But it ain't her fault. I failed her, same way I failed Melas. The rest just don't matter.
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[ A pause, before his face falls slightly. ]
Or, well, I was. Can't say the station is doin' much for that, but - I figured it out, for a little while. With the Roci. With Holden and Naomi and Amos. I know now that's - that's where I'm supposed to be.
[ There was an awkward pause, the words catching in his throat. ]
They make sense. [ His eyes flickered towards hers, almost apologetic. ]
... You make sense.
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You make all of this a hell of a lot easier. Even that shit on Ganymede. All of it's easier to deal with when you're around.
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You make everythin' easier, too.
[ He paused, swallowing as he gathered the courage, and then continued: ]
Which is why I -- Gunny, I don't wanna make any of this harder. I don't want to be somethin' that's difficult, for you. 'Bout anythin'.
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Look, Alex, I said I never thought about kissing you before, yeah? You were torn up about Talissa, and every time you talked about her, it sounded like you wanted it to work. I just thought you were off-limits. Now...
[God, she kind of wants to sink into the floor. She doesn't even know what to say. She scrubs her hands over her face.]
Now I don't know what the fuck I'm thinking.
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But that tangle suddenly grew a lot heavier, dragging his heart right through him and down into the floor.
He wouldn't have kept any hope at all, if he could have helped it. He wishes he hadn't kept any.
Then he wouldn't have to feel it's loss.
He gets a little still- too aware of his limbs, again - and his face falls a little but not anywhere near as much as his heart does. Instead, his expression is mostly sympathetic. Because he loves Gunny. He might not know what exactly being in love feels like, and he might not quite understand what tangled mess of feelings he has for her, but aside from that, he knows he loves her. Like he loves Holden and Naomi and Amos. Quite separately from everything else, he knows that. So even as that wisp of hope he hadn't even known was there withered and died, he was overcome with the need to protect her. To save his family.
Even if he had to save it from himself. ]
It's alright. [ It's quiet, and comforting. It's not a lie. His heart break just doesn't matter, on the large scale of things. ] Hell, Gunny, we were so out of it we were basically intoxicated. Worse than. Everything felt a hundred million times bigger than it was. 'Course you're confused.
An' that's fine. I ain't looking for anything, Bobbie. [ His eyes were on hers, a silent plea in them. Please let him fix this. ] At least not anythin' different than what we already had.
You don't need to know what you're thinkin'. You don't need to think about it at all.
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Maybe he thinks it was just one big screw up, and maybe his feelings were a mess from lack of sleep, but she doesn't think hers were. She felt something when she kissed him, and she went into this conversation not knowing what she wanted to hear, but it certainly wasn't that.]
So you think it was just... a fuck up. I shouldn't have done it in the first place, and we should pretend it didn't happen?
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This was like light speed, compared. His hands immediately raised in a halting gesturing, hovering in front of him. ]
No, that ain't what I said. [ Gently. ] Or what I - or what I mean.
I just -- [ Hell, what did he mean? The hands lowered, and he looked miserable. ]
I just want us to be okay. That's all. I never wanted to give you a reason to look at me like that.
I'm just sayin' - you don't need to know, right now, how you're feelin' about it.
[ A pause, a pleading look. ]
... It ain't like I'm going anywhere.
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[It comes out a little harsh and defensive, but she can't help it.]
I know what I was feeling then even if I don't know what it means now, but I still don't know what you're thinking.
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