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[Bobbie opens her mouth to say... something. Anything. Nothing comes out, and she falters, fighting the overwhelming urge to hug him. She's not sure it would help, though, and she's worried it might make things worse somehow, so she stays where she is. She'd thought a lot of this guilt over not being a good enough husband, even before leaving, was just him getting in his own head, but now she wonders how much Talissa contributed to that, and she's torn between feeling terrible for him and furious at whatever idiot put this shit in his head. She struggles for a moment, but she still sounds upset when she answers.]
Is she the one who said that?
Is she the one who said that?
Gunny... [ The word was almost a plea, and for the first time in several minutes, his eyes met hers.
He was not going to be able to pin this on Talissa.
He couldn't.
Whatever fault was hers, his was five times as heavy. ]
He was not going to be able to pin this on Talissa.
He couldn't.
Whatever fault was hers, his was five times as heavy. ]
What? The only way to be a good husband is finding a boring desk job and having as many kids as possible?
[No wonder he's practically drowning in guilt and shame. What a narrow category to pigeon hole yourself into. It sounds miserable, and she knows he'd be miserable doing it. But maybe that's easy for Bobbie to take issue with—she's never wanted kids, and she's always figured her brothers would take care of that family duty while she did her duty to Mars through her career in the military. That decision had never torn her up.]
[No wonder he's practically drowning in guilt and shame. What a narrow category to pigeon hole yourself into. It sounds miserable, and she knows he'd be miserable doing it. But maybe that's easy for Bobbie to take issue with—she's never wanted kids, and she's always figured her brothers would take care of that family duty while she did her duty to Mars through her career in the military. That decision had never torn her up.]
[ He took a step back without even realising he did it, looking absolutely miserable. ]
What good is a husband who ain't even there?
[ He'd internalised this all years ago. ]
What good is a husband who ain't even there?
[ He'd internalised this all years ago. ]
[ He took another unconscious step back, obviously uncomfortable. ]
I don't know, Gunny. [ Not quite defensive, but getting there. Then, after a few more seconds of thought, and very lowly: ]
I just want to fly.
I don't know, Gunny. [ Not quite defensive, but getting there. Then, after a few more seconds of thought, and very lowly: ]
I just want to fly.
[ He doesn't back up any further, but he sort of sinks into himself. ]
I just - I don't know, Gunny. I know that ain't a satisfyin' answer.
But it ain't her fault. I failed her, same way I failed Melas. The rest just don't matter.
I just - I don't know, Gunny. I know that ain't a satisfyin' answer.
But it ain't her fault. I failed her, same way I failed Melas. The rest just don't matter.
And I am.
[ A pause, before his face falls slightly. ]
Or, well, I was. Can't say the station is doin' much for that, but - I figured it out, for a little while. With the Roci. With Holden and Naomi and Amos. I know now that's - that's where I'm supposed to be.
[ There was an awkward pause, the words catching in his throat. ]
They make sense. [ His eyes flickered towards hers, almost apologetic. ]
... You make sense.
[ A pause, before his face falls slightly. ]
Or, well, I was. Can't say the station is doin' much for that, but - I figured it out, for a little while. With the Roci. With Holden and Naomi and Amos. I know now that's - that's where I'm supposed to be.
[ There was an awkward pause, the words catching in his throat. ]
They make sense. [ His eyes flickered towards hers, almost apologetic. ]
... You make sense.
Edited 2018-07-09 05:13 (UTC)
[It makes her breath catch and her heart flutter, the quiet earnestness of it, and she swallows, struggling to get her emotions under control. She's not sure it works, but he's being honest, so she owes it to him to be honest herself.]
You make all of this a hell of a lot easier. Even that shit on Ganymede. All of it's easier to deal with when you're around.
You make all of this a hell of a lot easier. Even that shit on Ganymede. All of it's easier to deal with when you're around.
[ He lets out a breath, relaxing a little, and he's able to keep his eyes on hers now. ]
You make everythin' easier, too.
[ He paused, swallowing as he gathered the courage, and then continued: ]
Which is why I -- Gunny, I don't wanna make any of this harder. I don't want to be somethin' that's difficult, for you. 'Bout anythin'.
You make everythin' easier, too.
[ He paused, swallowing as he gathered the courage, and then continued: ]
Which is why I -- Gunny, I don't wanna make any of this harder. I don't want to be somethin' that's difficult, for you. 'Bout anythin'.
[Bobbie's quiet for a moment, not quite looking at him. This entire conversation has been miserably uncomfortable, but now it's about to get even worse for her, but she knows she has to power through it or things are never going to get fixed.]
Look, Alex, I said I never thought about kissing you before, yeah? You were torn up about Talissa, and every time you talked about her, it sounded like you wanted it to work. I just thought you were off-limits. Now...
[God, she kind of wants to sink into the floor. She doesn't even know what to say. She scrubs her hands over her face.]
Now I don't know what the fuck I'm thinking.
Look, Alex, I said I never thought about kissing you before, yeah? You were torn up about Talissa, and every time you talked about her, it sounded like you wanted it to work. I just thought you were off-limits. Now...
[God, she kind of wants to sink into the floor. She doesn't even know what to say. She scrubs her hands over her face.]
Now I don't know what the fuck I'm thinking.
[ There's a strange property, with hope. You can think you didn't have any at all, until you feel it get snuffed out. Then you realize that you had some, this whole time. That you'd been holding onto it so tight, so desperately, that you didn't even know it was hope. It was just a clenched tangle somewhere in your chest.
But that tangle suddenly grew a lot heavier, dragging his heart right through him and down into the floor.
He wouldn't have kept any hope at all, if he could have helped it. He wishes he hadn't kept any.
Then he wouldn't have to feel it's loss.
He gets a little still- too aware of his limbs, again - and his face falls a little but not anywhere near as much as his heart does. Instead, his expression is mostly sympathetic. Because he loves Gunny. He might not know what exactly being in love feels like, and he might not quite understand what tangled mess of feelings he has for her, but aside from that, he knows he loves her. Like he loves Holden and Naomi and Amos. Quite separately from everything else, he knows that. So even as that wisp of hope he hadn't even known was there withered and died, he was overcome with the need to protect her. To save his family.
Even if he had to save it from himself. ]
It's alright. [ It's quiet, and comforting. It's not a lie. His heart break just doesn't matter, on the large scale of things. ] Hell, Gunny, we were so out of it we were basically intoxicated. Worse than. Everything felt a hundred million times bigger than it was. 'Course you're confused.
An' that's fine. I ain't looking for anything, Bobbie. [ His eyes were on hers, a silent plea in them. Please let him fix this. ] At least not anythin' different than what we already had.
You don't need to know what you're thinkin'. You don't need to think about it at all.
But that tangle suddenly grew a lot heavier, dragging his heart right through him and down into the floor.
He wouldn't have kept any hope at all, if he could have helped it. He wishes he hadn't kept any.
Then he wouldn't have to feel it's loss.
He gets a little still- too aware of his limbs, again - and his face falls a little but not anywhere near as much as his heart does. Instead, his expression is mostly sympathetic. Because he loves Gunny. He might not know what exactly being in love feels like, and he might not quite understand what tangled mess of feelings he has for her, but aside from that, he knows he loves her. Like he loves Holden and Naomi and Amos. Quite separately from everything else, he knows that. So even as that wisp of hope he hadn't even known was there withered and died, he was overcome with the need to protect her. To save his family.
Even if he had to save it from himself. ]
It's alright. [ It's quiet, and comforting. It's not a lie. His heart break just doesn't matter, on the large scale of things. ] Hell, Gunny, we were so out of it we were basically intoxicated. Worse than. Everything felt a hundred million times bigger than it was. 'Course you're confused.
An' that's fine. I ain't looking for anything, Bobbie. [ His eyes were on hers, a silent plea in them. Please let him fix this. ] At least not anythin' different than what we already had.
You don't need to know what you're thinkin'. You don't need to think about it at all.
Edited 2018-07-09 12:19 (UTC)
[It's instantly obvious that whatever he was trying to achieve, it was the wrong thing to say. She looks hurt, and even though she tries, she can't manage to school her expression into something more neutral. It says something that she tries at all—she never does with Alex. Now she can feel herself closing off, and she crosses her arms without thinking.
Maybe he thinks it was just one big screw up, and maybe his feelings were a mess from lack of sleep, but she doesn't think hers were. She felt something when she kissed him, and she went into this conversation not knowing what she wanted to hear, but it certainly wasn't that.]
So you think it was just... a fuck up. I shouldn't have done it in the first place, and we should pretend it didn't happen?
Maybe he thinks it was just one big screw up, and maybe his feelings were a mess from lack of sleep, but she doesn't think hers were. She felt something when she kissed him, and she went into this conversation not knowing what she wanted to hear, but it certainly wasn't that.]
So you think it was just... a fuck up. I shouldn't have done it in the first place, and we should pretend it didn't happen?
[ It was a little strange, knowing just how badly he fucked up, the instant that it happened. He was used to the slow, silent anger. The one where he needed to fret about it for weeks, try to unpack what it was that he'd said, or done, that had caused the rift in the first place. If he could unpack it at all.
This was like light speed, compared. His hands immediately raised in a halting gesturing, hovering in front of him. ]
No, that ain't what I said. [ Gently. ] Or what I - or what I mean.
I just -- [ Hell, what did he mean? The hands lowered, and he looked miserable. ]
I just want us to be okay. That's all. I never wanted to give you a reason to look at me like that.
I'm just sayin' - you don't need to know, right now, how you're feelin' about it.
[ A pause, a pleading look. ]
... It ain't like I'm going anywhere.
This was like light speed, compared. His hands immediately raised in a halting gesturing, hovering in front of him. ]
No, that ain't what I said. [ Gently. ] Or what I - or what I mean.
I just -- [ Hell, what did he mean? The hands lowered, and he looked miserable. ]
I just want us to be okay. That's all. I never wanted to give you a reason to look at me like that.
I'm just sayin' - you don't need to know, right now, how you're feelin' about it.
[ A pause, a pleading look. ]
... It ain't like I'm going anywhere.
[ He tried not to wince. ]
... I don't have a clue what you were feelin', or what you're feelin' now. [ He pointed out gently. ] But you ain't looked anything but miserable, since.
... I don't have a clue what you were feelin', or what you're feelin' now. [ He pointed out gently. ] But you ain't looked anything but miserable, since.
[ He blinks.
Whatever he was expecting to hear, it obviously wasn't that. And after a couple of seconds worth of shock, a deep flush flooded his face instead. ]
... Oh.
[ Nailed it. ]
Whatever he was expecting to hear, it obviously wasn't that. And after a couple of seconds worth of shock, a deep flush flooded his face instead. ]
... Oh.
[ Nailed it. ]
[ He's still trying to process the 'crush on' part of that sentence, that little sliver of hope that he'd discovered at it had died suddenly flaring bright and white and very hot. He had no idea what to say - but the silence was stretching and he had to say something.
Do something.
The first move was hesitant, like a twitch in his hands he couldn't quite control. And then before he was even really thinking about it, he was stepping forward, reaching out with both hands to gently to touch either side of her face, then leaned in, pressing a soft, tender kiss to her lips. ]
Do something.
The first move was hesitant, like a twitch in his hands he couldn't quite control. And then before he was even really thinking about it, he was stepping forward, reaching out with both hands to gently to touch either side of her face, then leaned in, pressing a soft, tender kiss to her lips. ]
[She wasn't expecting that, and it happens so quickly that she can barely register it, letting out a soft sound of surprise. There are a million reasons why this is still a terrible idea, least of all the fact that her feelings are still all tangled up, but the moment he kisses her, she doesn't care. She's like a spring being uncoiled--all the tension drains from her, just like that. Somehow this moment feels fragile, like she could ruin it with one wrong move, so she's a bit hesitant when she kisses him back, just as softly, her touch gentle when her hand goes to his shoulder.
If she had any suspicions about last time being some sort of fluke, they're gone now. Her heart is pounding just as quickly, and before she can think better of it, she presses closer, leaning into him.]
If she had any suspicions about last time being some sort of fluke, they're gone now. Her heart is pounding just as quickly, and before she can think better of it, she presses closer, leaning into him.]
[ It's soft, and it's hesitant, and he doesn't dare press further than he has, doesn't deepen the kiss. The universe just stills, time almost freezing, as a bright glowing warmth spread through his limbs.
He pulled back, after a moment, though his hands were still cupping her face, and he gazed at her with a very soft, almost apologetic smile. Like a low rumble, he murmured: ]
I ain't ever been any good at what I was supposed to feel, either.
He pulled back, after a moment, though his hands were still cupping her face, and he gazed at her with a very soft, almost apologetic smile. Like a low rumble, he murmured: ]
I ain't ever been any good at what I was supposed to feel, either.
[He pulls away and she finds herself breathless all over again, her fingers still caught in the fabric of his jumpsuit. She is so, so screwed.]
Alex.
[It sounds like a reprimand, almost, except she's smiling too much to really manage it.]
What happened to talking?
Alex.
[It sounds like a reprimand, almost, except she's smiling too much to really manage it.]
What happened to talking?
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