[ There's a strange property, with hope. You can think you didn't have any at all, until you feel it get snuffed out. Then you realize that you had some, this whole time. That you'd been holding onto it so tight, so desperately, that you didn't even know it was hope. It was just a clenched tangle somewhere in your chest.
But that tangle suddenly grew a lot heavier, dragging his heart right through him and down into the floor.
He wouldn't have kept any hope at all, if he could have helped it. He wishes he hadn't kept any.
Then he wouldn't have to feel it's loss.
He gets a little still- too aware of his limbs, again - and his face falls a little but not anywhere near as much as his heart does. Instead, his expression is mostly sympathetic. Because he loves Gunny. He might not know what exactly being in love feels like, and he might not quite understand what tangled mess of feelings he has for her, but aside from that, he knows he loves her. Like he loves Holden and Naomi and Amos. Quite separately from everything else, he knows that. So even as that wisp of hope he hadn't even known was there withered and died, he was overcome with the need to protect her. To save his family.
Even if he had to save it from himself. ]
It's alright. [ It's quiet, and comforting. It's not a lie. His heart break just doesn't matter, on the large scale of things. ] Hell, Gunny, we were so out of it we were basically intoxicated. Worse than. Everything felt a hundred million times bigger than it was. 'Course you're confused.
An' that's fine. I ain't looking for anything, Bobbie. [ His eyes were on hers, a silent plea in them. Please let him fix this. ] At least not anythin' different than what we already had.
You don't need to know what you're thinkin'. You don't need to think about it at all.
[It's instantly obvious that whatever he was trying to achieve, it was the wrong thing to say. She looks hurt, and even though she tries, she can't manage to school her expression into something more neutral. It says something that she tries at all—she never does with Alex. Now she can feel herself closing off, and she crosses her arms without thinking.
Maybe he thinks it was just one big screw up, and maybe his feelings were a mess from lack of sleep, but she doesn't think hers were. She felt something when she kissed him, and she went into this conversation not knowing what she wanted to hear, but it certainly wasn't that.]
So you think it was just... a fuck up. I shouldn't have done it in the first place, and we should pretend it didn't happen?
[ It was a little strange, knowing just how badly he fucked up, the instant that it happened. He was used to the slow, silent anger. The one where he needed to fret about it for weeks, try to unpack what it was that he'd said, or done, that had caused the rift in the first place. If he could unpack it at all.
This was like light speed, compared. His hands immediately raised in a halting gesturing, hovering in front of him. ]
No, that ain't what I said. [ Gently. ] Or what I - or what I mean.
I just -- [ Hell, what did he mean? The hands lowered, and he looked miserable. ]
I just want us to be okay. That's all. I never wanted to give you a reason to look at me like that.
I'm just sayin' - you don't need to know, right now, how you're feelin' about it.
... I don't have a clue what you were feelin', or what you're feelin' now. [ He pointed out gently. ] But you ain't looked anything but miserable, since.
[Her mouth twists, and for a moment, she's not sure how to respond.]
I felt like some dumb teenager getting to kiss the guy she has a crush on, except that's not how you're supposed to feel about your married best friend.
[ He's still trying to process the 'crush on' part of that sentence, that little sliver of hope that he'd discovered at it had died suddenly flaring bright and white and very hot. He had no idea what to say - but the silence was stretching and he had to say something.
Do something.
The first move was hesitant, like a twitch in his hands he couldn't quite control. And then before he was even really thinking about it, he was stepping forward, reaching out with both hands to gently to touch either side of her face, then leaned in, pressing a soft, tender kiss to her lips. ]
[She wasn't expecting that, and it happens so quickly that she can barely register it, letting out a soft sound of surprise. There are a million reasons why this is still a terrible idea, least of all the fact that her feelings are still all tangled up, but the moment he kisses her, she doesn't care. She's like a spring being uncoiled--all the tension drains from her, just like that. Somehow this moment feels fragile, like she could ruin it with one wrong move, so she's a bit hesitant when she kisses him back, just as softly, her touch gentle when her hand goes to his shoulder.
If she had any suspicions about last time being some sort of fluke, they're gone now. Her heart is pounding just as quickly, and before she can think better of it, she presses closer, leaning into him.]
[ It's soft, and it's hesitant, and he doesn't dare press further than he has, doesn't deepen the kiss. The universe just stills, time almost freezing, as a bright glowing warmth spread through his limbs.
He pulled back, after a moment, though his hands were still cupping her face, and he gazed at her with a very soft, almost apologetic smile. Like a low rumble, he murmured: ]
I ain't ever been any good at what I was supposed to feel, either.
[ It's the smile, that finally makes that twisted knot in his stomach ease. Like he's done something right, for once, interpreted something correctly, despite her words. He gives her a sheepish smile in return, but can't quite pull his hands away. ]
Sorry.
[ He's not very sorry at all. The smile warms, crinkling at the edges of his eyes. ]
[She leans forward again, this time just to rest her forehead against his, soaking in the contact. It's comforting, and right now, she still needs it.]
Just give me a little time, okay? I wasn't expecting any of this.
[ She's too close, now, for Alex to be able to make out her face, but that's okay.
He gently runs his thumb across her cheek, the softest caress, but he doesn't try to kiss her again. ]
I ain't going anywhere, Gunny. [ Gently, warmly. Far more confidently than he had been. ] Whatever you decide you want or don't want - I'll still be here.
[ It's a relieved happiness that floods him, and in that moment it honestly doesn't matter if she ever wants to kiss him again or not. He'd been so afraid of losing her completely, and he was pretty sure, now, that he wasn't going to.
Everything was going to be okay.
He let his hands drop so he could hug her back, warm and tight. ]
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But that tangle suddenly grew a lot heavier, dragging his heart right through him and down into the floor.
He wouldn't have kept any hope at all, if he could have helped it. He wishes he hadn't kept any.
Then he wouldn't have to feel it's loss.
He gets a little still- too aware of his limbs, again - and his face falls a little but not anywhere near as much as his heart does. Instead, his expression is mostly sympathetic. Because he loves Gunny. He might not know what exactly being in love feels like, and he might not quite understand what tangled mess of feelings he has for her, but aside from that, he knows he loves her. Like he loves Holden and Naomi and Amos. Quite separately from everything else, he knows that. So even as that wisp of hope he hadn't even known was there withered and died, he was overcome with the need to protect her. To save his family.
Even if he had to save it from himself. ]
It's alright. [ It's quiet, and comforting. It's not a lie. His heart break just doesn't matter, on the large scale of things. ] Hell, Gunny, we were so out of it we were basically intoxicated. Worse than. Everything felt a hundred million times bigger than it was. 'Course you're confused.
An' that's fine. I ain't looking for anything, Bobbie. [ His eyes were on hers, a silent plea in them. Please let him fix this. ] At least not anythin' different than what we already had.
You don't need to know what you're thinkin'. You don't need to think about it at all.
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Maybe he thinks it was just one big screw up, and maybe his feelings were a mess from lack of sleep, but she doesn't think hers were. She felt something when she kissed him, and she went into this conversation not knowing what she wanted to hear, but it certainly wasn't that.]
So you think it was just... a fuck up. I shouldn't have done it in the first place, and we should pretend it didn't happen?
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This was like light speed, compared. His hands immediately raised in a halting gesturing, hovering in front of him. ]
No, that ain't what I said. [ Gently. ] Or what I - or what I mean.
I just -- [ Hell, what did he mean? The hands lowered, and he looked miserable. ]
I just want us to be okay. That's all. I never wanted to give you a reason to look at me like that.
I'm just sayin' - you don't need to know, right now, how you're feelin' about it.
[ A pause, a pleading look. ]
... It ain't like I'm going anywhere.
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[It comes out a little harsh and defensive, but she can't help it.]
I know what I was feeling then even if I don't know what it means now, but I still don't know what you're thinking.
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... I don't have a clue what you were feelin', or what you're feelin' now. [ He pointed out gently. ] But you ain't looked anything but miserable, since.
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I felt like some dumb teenager getting to kiss the guy she has a crush on, except that's not how you're supposed to feel about your married best friend.
[Hence the misery.]
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Whatever he was expecting to hear, it obviously wasn't that. And after a couple of seconds worth of shock, a deep flush flooded his face instead. ]
... Oh.
[ Nailed it. ]
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Alex.]
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Do something.
The first move was hesitant, like a twitch in his hands he couldn't quite control. And then before he was even really thinking about it, he was stepping forward, reaching out with both hands to gently to touch either side of her face, then leaned in, pressing a soft, tender kiss to her lips. ]
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If she had any suspicions about last time being some sort of fluke, they're gone now. Her heart is pounding just as quickly, and before she can think better of it, she presses closer, leaning into him.]
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He pulled back, after a moment, though his hands were still cupping her face, and he gazed at her with a very soft, almost apologetic smile. Like a low rumble, he murmured: ]
I ain't ever been any good at what I was supposed to feel, either.
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Alex.
[It sounds like a reprimand, almost, except she's smiling too much to really manage it.]
What happened to talking?
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Sorry.
[ He's not very sorry at all. The smile warms, crinkling at the edges of his eyes. ]
Got a little carried away.
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[She leans forward again, this time just to rest her forehead against his, soaking in the contact. It's comforting, and right now, she still needs it.]
Just give me a little time, okay? I wasn't expecting any of this.
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He gently runs his thumb across her cheek, the softest caress, but he doesn't try to kiss her again. ]
I ain't going anywhere, Gunny. [ Gently, warmly. Far more confidently than he had been. ] Whatever you decide you want or don't want - I'll still be here.
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Thank you.
[Bobbie lets go of his jumpsuit in favor of looping her arms around him instead, settling against him.]
Looks like you're stuck with me.
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Everything was going to be okay.
He let his hands drop so he could hug her back, warm and tight. ]
Wouldn't want it any other way.
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Good, because you still owe me breakfast, sailor.
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Well then we better get you somethin' to eat, soldier.